I saw their teacher, Pn. Roslina 2 weeks ago and asked whether Liyana could be exempted from it. This is due to the fact that she found the classes boring, as she already knows what is being taught in class. Her Agama School in the morning covers it, and more to boot. Pn.R told me that it’s not compulsory and that they were simply having a class to “cover it up”. So, happily Liyana comes home at 11am. Then she is told that Agama Co-K is compulsory and those who do not attend must “stand in the hot sun” as punishment. She’s worried, so I double confirmed with Pn.R. Was told that Liyana is exempted because we had asked, and the comment was made because many students skipped Agama Classes. Fine. A day after that, was told that the Principal declared that Agama Class is compulsory for all and Liyana must attend.  Of course we are puzzled. Why? Why must they have an additional class? Why must she go for a class that she finds boring? Why must her interest in Agama be stifled due to red tape? So we went to see the Principal today as tomorrow is Co-K day.

To cut the long story short, the Principal Pn. N gave this long winded talk about the importance of the Agama Class. Okay, it wasn’t that long but it was bad enough. I told her that I’m curious as to why it is only implemented for the Muslims when the Non-Muslims do not have any additional Moral classes. “Oh, Kerajaan ingin nilai tersebut diterap semoga isu-isu dan masalah seperti Mat Rempit tidak berlaku.”

I found such a comment compeletely irrelevant. If she did not know the answer, don’t give some made-up conclusion. Mat Rempit is the problem of the parents, who are lax in guiding their kids or are not strict enough. Having compulsory Agama classes is not going to solve the issue. You can’t FORCE religion, can you? YOu can make them go to class but you can’t make them learn, nor love it. If you can’t love it, you won’t learn it. What is the point? And that is MY point. The consequence is that Liyana would not get a certificate at the end of the day, proclaiming that she has taken Agama. This would seriously jeapordize her chances of entering Agama School or Asrama. I didn’t bother to point out to her that I wasn’t going to send her to such a school and even if I was, she has the certificate from her Agama School – including being top in several subjects. Which is more valuable? A certificate about co-K that she attends for one hour once a week or a certificate from an Agama School that she attends for 4 hours everyday? With exams.

What I didn’t like was the normal reaction when you want to ask for such a thing: this is Agama, hence it’s immoral not to take it. WTF? Despite all that, I kept a smile on my face and didn’t press any issue I wanted to pursue. I simply wanted to know one thing: why was it compulsory. The answer? Directive from Minsitry. Fine. Next step is to write a complaint letter to them, and then deal with Liyana’s issue. I have to ask Pn.R the % needed to get a certificate and Liyana will attend that much only. Even if she doesn’t get it, it’s not going to seriously hinder her future – insyaAllah.

This entire thing is really stupid. Y is already miffed and baffled that Co-K is compulsory. In Singapore, it’s purely voluntary. However, if you don’t take co-K, you must make damn sure your academic results are off the roof. Otherwise, co-k is there to help you boost your marks. *sigh* I’m just thinking of what is the best move for Liyana. I don’t want her to be bored. I want her to love the religion. She loves Agama School which is why I let her stay on even though I think it’s really too taxing on her – not enough time to do homework and such. Aiyah. I hate this. I hate when it comes to “agama” classes, people tend to have this closed mind and think, “Oh, if you don’t take it, you’re immoral” or encouraging bad things.

Lame.

This just drives home the point that my parents aren’t young anymore. So many things are happening this year. Even Bapak (Yunos’s father) seems to be acting like it’s his final year as he’s going around finding a successor for his religious classes. Papa has also been acting differently and working hard at bringing the family closer. He’s even given me the list of assets that they have so that it’s easier for me to handle it later. All this hints makes one be more prepared. Like Yunos said, there are some people who just know when their time is coming closer.

One of Papa’s greatest worry is for Mama. How will she go on if he should go first? I worry about that as well. Right now, he’s the glue for her. He is the one that calms her down when she goes into her emotional tirades. Who is going to support her if he goes first?  I doubt any of her kids would be able to give her that emotional strength that she needs. Not when she’s still worrying over us, feeling insecure about our love for her and how often she does things to test that love (and fails as we don’t deliver). I try not to think about it but I know it’s a possiblity. It can happen anytime. Even though a part of me feels that I am actually going to go first, I pray that I am wrong on that account. I want to be able to live long enough to see my kids grown up and married off before I go. Then again, who wouldn’t?

So many things to do. So many things to think about. Have to force myself to wrap up anything in the event of either of  them passing. They have already chosen me to be the administrator and that’s a huge responsibility. *sigh* Even though making such plans like a will and all makes it feel like I’m “wanting” it soon – it’s more prudence than anything else. It’s still a harsh thing to face, though.

Let me tell you a little bit of my past. I was a good girl. Really, a good girl. Every single thing my mum told me, I did. I studied hard, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t steal (well, not really. Heh), never went out with my friends and never lied. All the way until University. Anything my mum wanted to do, I’d follow. Anytime she scolded me, I kept quiet and listened. I was also her place to rant to when it came to my siblings who were, apparently, very problematic.

Now, imagine this severely obedient girl getting married. And has another person to follow. Imagine thsi girl not dropping everything at once just to follow the mother around. Imagine this girl actually saying “cannot” when asked. Imagine this girl having a guy that actually does NOT listen or follow every single thing the mother says.

And you have an inkling of what it’s like for me now. Honestly, my mum is really, really BIG on the “Family” thing. Everything we do, we should do as a family. I mean, everything. Family trips. Family holidays. Family gatherings. Blah blah blah. To me, it’s fine. To my beloved, he finds it funny. He used to follow around for a while but sometimes, he doesn’t want to. When he doesn’t, my mum will kick up a HUGE ass fuss. Because we don’t appreciate her, we don’t take into account her feelings, we don’t want to ‘get together’ and be a family. Of course, such rantings by my mum didn’t go down well with my beloved – who views himself as the head of the household and has a right to say “no” when he wants. While my Mum felt we were being these insensitive jerks who likes to hurt her and all that.

That’s what my life is like with my mum and my beloved. Constantly sparring between the two and it’s seriously retarded. Honestly, I can see BOTH sides and it’s up to me to facilitate it. But of course, when I side with my beloved, I’m being cold to my Mum. But that’s the way it has to be – sometimes my Mum’s demands are unreasonable or would be inconvenient. When I wasn’t married, I would not mind the inconvenience because it was just me. And it’s my mother we’re talking about. What’s a little bother when it comes to making her happy? But now that I have a family, I have responsibilities to my own children. I can’t simply do whatever she likes, whenever she likes just to jaga hati. No matter how much it hurts me to do so, I have to be firm and deny her such things. And then she accuses me of not understanding her, not caring for her – after all that she’s done for me.

GAH.

Today we had a fight. Right after my niece’s birthday party. She wanted the kids to stay but father said can’t. My son is recovering from a fever, you see (he’s ALWAYS getting sick somehow). We didnt’ even go to my girl’s art class today so that they could rest at home for the party in the evening. But my mum started “talking” to my daughter, telling her that there was nothing wrong for her to stay. And so on, and so on. I told my mum firmly that it’s not the girl’s fault, so don’t say such things as it would only make her feel bad.

My mum: “I want her father to feel bad”.
Me: “Then don’t say it to her. Why burden her with that?”

It started from there.

The one thing I can’t stand about my mother is this lack of communication between the two of us. She accuses me of every single thing she is guilty of herself. She states that basically, I do not understand her feelings nor take her feelings into account.

*sigh*

The sad truth is, I do know how hurt she would be when I do certain things. But the point of the matter is, I can’t do anything about it. Mainly because she’s damn sensitive and I have other things to consider as well. It’s always a choice between hurting my mum and doing what needs to be done. Sometimes – or rather, most of the time – it’s got to be “hurting my mum”. To my mum, the fact that you decide that means you don’t think of her feelings. And the fact that I DO decide to hurt her means I can’t truly understand the hurt she goes through because if I did, I wouldn’t do it. Yes, I can understand that.

And the fact of the matter is, I have no choice.

Ok, that’s not the truth. There’s always a choice. *sigh* And that’s the problem, isn’t it? It grates at her that the choice I made is not “her”. It used to be “her” all the time – now it isn’t.

She’s damn angry and hurt that I do not “trust my kids to be with her when she had raised kids already”. Then she would bring up my sis-in-law (because my kids have stayed with her withOUT us) and complain about that. Dammit to hell. That woman’s twisted mind and oversensitive head is going to be the death of me. Look, my sis-in-law is young enough to be able to take care of my kids. My kids have this tendency to fall down and break their heads if you’re not keeping an eye on them. My parents are aged and believe me, I seriously doubt that they keep an eye on them ALL the time. And I don’t expect them to. They’re likely to just leave the kids to roam around freely and like wild animals. My mum herself said it, that just the thought that they are there is enough for her. Bloody hell. I have tried hinting to her and telling her that it’s not enough because my kids are accident prone. The maid does NOT keep an eye on them all the time and god knows what they get into. Climbing on sofas, jumping down from high places. Even when I DO keep an eye on them they have been known to fall badly – my son has a head injury once every two months! Twice, it was bad enough to give him a concussion. I have this fear that he’ll me mentally scarred or go retarded one day due to the injuries and I have to keep a close eye on that.

She complains I don’t visit enough. She complains I don’t leave the kids with her enough. She complains each time we go to visit. Which makes visiting her an event in itself. We visit but not often enough for her. But we can only visit during weekends and if that’s the weekend one of them is sick or we have things to do, then it can even be a month or two before we visit. She complains we don’t sleep over (gah. That’s so troublesome. Sleeping over for a night. Yes, I’m selfish in that). She complains when we go home early.

I’m just so damn tired. I’ve tried talking to her and resolving this underlying conflict between us but it always fails. She laments and wishes that we open up to each other and be “girlfriends” … problem is, she is the mother. Meaning, I am expected to open up completely, and accept whatever she says quietly. I am to change, I am to do what she wants and I can’t tell her what she does wrong. Because she is the mother. What bloody hell. She told me that “if you fail once, you should try again”.

Hello? I’ve been trying FOUR times in 10 years to get through to her. But each and every time I open up and lay myself bare to her, she takes it upon herself to be the one to talk. Anything I say that is “bad” about her is me being ungrateful, as she gets extremely upset and hurt. I am sick and tired of that. Sick and tired of her wanting to be buddy-buddy but uses that to be the reason to tell me what to do. She is NOT me, but she wants to solve it for me. I can understand that because she’s an exceptional mother. She doesn’t want me to suffer and she goes through this hell hole for the pain I go through. She starts focusing on the problems I go through and can’t sleep at night thinking about it.

But come on. GAH. Ever heard the expression, “loving too much”? My mum must have been the reason for that. She just loves you SO much that she wants you to suffer no pain, she wants to spend the rest of her life with you and she wants to share everything with you. She wants you to do everything for her and with her. She will bend over backwards to help you – then feel hurt when you won’t do the same for her.

What she doesn’t truly understand. Or doesn’t see. Is that I am incapable of giving her exactly what she wants even though I know what it is. That hurts me more than she ever knows. If I let myself think about it, I can go into depression. That no matter how much you do, it will never be enough. She SAYS she understands. But if she did, she would have never say those things to my daughter.

*Sigh* What I really wish is that – she accepts whatever I am able to give her (in terms of time and what not) and appreciates that. Rather than complain about what I cannot give her. But that’s like, asking for the Moon. Luckily I have my father. He’s the calm one. But I bet he’s not sleeping tonight. Neither would my Mum coz she’ll be crying her eyes out. Seriously, the title of Queen of Melodrama doesn’t suit her. As she’s beyond that. And I sound mean for saying it.

I’ve learned to steel my heart actually. Because otherwise, I would have had a nervous breakdown long ago. I kid you not.

I got this recipe online, and can’t remember where I got it. Ah, but it’s a keeper. I’ve done a few variations to it, so it’s kinda “my” recipe now:

Chicken Dhall

Part A: grind

• 100g shallots
• 20g garlic
• 10g ginger
• 1/2 buah keras
• chilli, tumeric

 Part B: add water to make paste

• 1 tbs cumin powder
• 2 tbs corriander powder
• 1 tsp pepper
• 1 tbs fennel powder

 Part C

• 2 stalks curry leaves
• 3 cm cinnamon stick
• 2cardamon (remove seeds)
• 2 star anise
• 3 cloves

 Method:

1. Boil Dhall and chicken for 30 mins (I normally do so for an hour. First, the dhall for 30 mins, then add chicken and boil for another 3o mins) .
2. Fry A, then B, then C. Make sure it has ‘pecah minyak’.
3. Add coconut milk, chicken and dhall.
4. Add carrots, potato, lady’s finger – whatever you want.
5. Bring to boil, add salt.

I normally add the lady’s finger towards the end. The softer the vegetables, the better. It’s simply delicious. I’m hungry again just thinking about it! I’ll post a pic when I actually make it again. Heh.

 After the breakfast treat, we went to Lake Club whereby the intention was to sign them up for a new coach. We would like them to learn how to swim since we can’t swim! It’s a good skill to learn, and master. In this aspect, Liyana is a bit of a problem. She has the slight fear of water. Or rather, of being underwater. For one month, she had lessons under Coach Ong but she didn’t progress much as she would not be able to do what was taught the previous week. Whether she was just too afraid, or her fear made her forget, I do not know. Yunos wanted to stop her lessons completely as he felt it was a waste of time. However, I managed to persuade him that we shouldn’t. I mean, how long can we tolerate it then? She has to learn to overcome her fear and just do it. We reached a compromise. See how it goes for 2 months and ask the new coach what he thinks about her.

Joey is different – he would progress under the lessons. However, he does not seem to enjoy the lessons anymore. He complains about it and announced that he is sick every Sunday. -_- But the good thing about him is, when you insist and manage to persuade him to go, he’ll do it. It’s just the initial persuasion that takes some time and imagination.

 Anyway, ended up that we couldn’t register them after all. Unlike Coach Ong who puts which class is for which level, the other two coaches do not. So, will have to ask them personally (either see them or just call them) and ask them when the beginner classes are. For that, I leave to Yunos. Hope he does it. Heh. After that, we headed off to Sec14 to buy PS2 joypads for the kids. Well, for me too lah, since I can’t play Sims2 Castaway as the one we have is faulty. The thing has finally kaput and the kids can’t play any game at all. The initial intention was to buy originals but Yunos was saying about how we actually save if we buy the whole set. We would get one PS2, 2 joypads, and 10 games for RM700 while two joypads would cost RM80 each. Value for money, means the set. But my argument was that I had RM160 to spare but not RM700! He agreed, though I knew he wanted to buy the set.

We went to s.14 before 11am so the IT Mall wasn’t open yet. We went to Jaya and Popular bookstore – the place was closing down as they were going to renovate the entire building and make way for a new complex. Popular was having a sale, up to 70% off on items to clear stock. We needed some stationery for Liyana, so we went. Ended up spending a lot more as I got a 30k 4th job Maple card. Ah well. Anyway, turns out that ALL the PS2 stalls were still closed and would only open AFTER lunch. Headed off to Amcorp mall instead. In anticipation for Yunos wanting to get the PS2 after all, I took out some dough.

Alhamdulillah, not only did we NOT get the set, we got the ciplak joypads which only cost RM30 each. Turns out the set was RM600 but with two ciplak joypads. There wasn’t a point in getting the set then, and he agreed at getting the ciplak pads. I’m happy and contented. All in all, it was a good day. We spent the morning out to get stuff, then came back and let the kids play game, rest and then play again. Now they are asleep (with Joey taking MUCH longer than usual as he slept in the evening) while I am relaxing. Tomorrow, I will be doing work. Oh yes, I will. I have to finish up the UK chapter by the end of the week! My timeline, you see.

Till then. Adios.

I’ve forgotten my passwords and usernames at the other sites so I’m starting a new one now. Let’s just see how long this one is going to last, right? This time, I’m going to just write like I would in a diary and not worry and wonder about what other people think of me. Because this is me – faults and all, bad grammar and all. I don’t need to explain nor divulge background information about myself as I prefer to be this figment of the Internet imagination! But the problems are real, the emotions are real and the feelings are real.

Here’s to a brand new year, and a brand new attempt at keeping at it!